We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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