dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
