I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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