It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
