i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
