I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
