i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
there was a trapeze. enough said
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
