I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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