The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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