Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
i just sent this text using only my big toe
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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