i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
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