oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
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