Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Randomize
