mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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