Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
