Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
