put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
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