My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Randomize
