I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
