I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
is that a dick in a sweater?
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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