Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Randomize
