Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
