so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
