I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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