1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Randomize
