The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Randomize
