Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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