Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
