fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
