plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I wish you could order shots online.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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