I think I just saw someone hide a body.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
