god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
