Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Please don't give away my fajitas
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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