Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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