I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Randomize
