You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
