Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
