I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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