Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Randomize
