mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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