I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
