You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
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