I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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