I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
