I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
