just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
