what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Randomize
