I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
