he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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