you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
