His pubic hair was longer than his dick
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Randomize
