My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
